Pre Colon Cleanse

Aquarius-There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a
day

Pisces- Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries- The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus- You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go
back to sleep

Gemini- Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through
your chest

Cancer- The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in
the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's
test

Leo- Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's
face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of
strawberry Quik

Virgo- All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

Libra- A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than
you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio- Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius- All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in
your den

Capricorn- The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know
they're lying
If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never
leave my house again
You may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the
relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep
significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give
you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid,
scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not
to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Sagittarius- All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in
your den

Hahahhaahahhaha best horoscope i have EVER read in my life LMFAO!!!

Originally meant for my walkman. But, why not put it out here? .. A beautiful psalm;

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

Duration : 0:4:21

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I woke up and felt this intense pain coming from my stomach so i walk in the bathroom and found out my period has started, but this one hurts really bad, i'm naturally heavy. Anyway i went to reach for some tissue with my right hand and this bloating pain washed over my lower side of the stomach. I don't know whats going on with me but anybody please tell me what's going on.

I am sorry you're in pain. It sounds like it felt sort of like a dull pinch. Did you have the reaction to jerk back to the left? If so, did it seem to go away?

If yes, it sounds like a muscle . I take it you just woke up? If you were sleeping in an odd position then got up suddenly, because of the period pain, then stretched to the side soon after waking up this can cause muscle aches. Normally, a person will wait a few moments before stirring or getting up. Your muscles have time to wake up and get limber.

I get those in my lower back a lot if I do as stated above. Or if I've been at the computer for a while then stand and bend over.

Walk around a bit, get woke up--if you plan to stay awake--, stretch. It will help. For some reason, I get really tight all over more quickly when I'm menstruating, than not.

If you ever think it's your appendix, do this. Make an L with your index finger and thumb. Place thumb in navel and finger at or on hip. The area that falls in the middle of that line is know as the McBurney's Point. If any pain is there go to the hospital.